I'm playing things ever so slightly closer to my chest on this one. I.E. I'm not emblazoning this one on everyone's Facebook page. This one is a bit more sentimental. This one's about a girl...
I was taking a random survey today for a psychology profile doohickey, and one of the final questions was: "What's the biggest regret you have?" Well, if you know me well enough, it revolves around a certain someone and wasting three years of my life. Of course, the one only inspires bitterness in me, so I don't usually consider than one anymore. I'm past it, essentially.
However, there is one girl that slipped away from me that sometimes I still dream about. It's odd, we really didn't have a relationship of any sort, we were very good friends during High School. But...she's the one who taught me to be myself. The girl who was so charmingly outlandish, she made me realize that taking others opinions so strongly was foolhardy, after all, what did they mean to me? And when she walked out of my life I felt truly sad for the first time in my High School career. You know that kind of sadness. Not the "Oh no, I dropped my cookie on the floor." kind of sad, where you can fix it by getting another cookie or just downing the milk. That kind of sad where you absolutely can NOT shake it. That kind where everything happy in your life suddenly doesn't matter anymore. It's all trivial, silly, childish. It's the kind where you pick up your favorite plushy and feel nothing.
Her name is Christina Schmeltz. Or Nina as she went by later. I know that some of you knew her, and probably still do, perhaps. I know that some people didn't like her, and are probably wondering why I felt the way I did. To them: fuck off, I don't need you harshing my dream-mallow. And yes, I know the deal with her now, alright? I met Nina back in sophomore year, in our English class. I ended up being seated pretty close to her, if memory serves I sat right behind her. For a little while things went as HS does. Acclimating to new surroundings, awkwardly trying to befriend the people around you, wondering how your real friends are doing, yadda yadda. And then there was Nina.
I already thought she was adorable, so when she abruptly turned around and asked me my name, I naturally derped when I should have hurped. When I finally managed to gurgle my name out whilst clearing my throat, she said " Ok Matt! You're my boyfriend now!" And turned back around. And bam, I was no longer single! Haha, kidding. I knew she was just being playful, but the word boyfriend had a wonderful ring to it coming from her. As time progressed, we became stalwart friends. I began to really admire her outlandish attitude, and how laid back she was. Not giving a single fuck what people thought of her, except me it seemed, and being herself.
As time progressed a little more, she started throwing PDA's my way, IE. surprise glomps, hugs in the hallways, that kind of thing. I don't know if she was joking or not, even to this day, but I was really enjoying my English class, tell ya that much. Eventually I got the balls to ask her out to do something. I don't remember much of it honestly, and try as I might, the only part I can remember is her. Smiling, giggling, and us just having fun. I was trying to move forward, you know? Try and make her see me as more than a friend. If I remember correctly though, when the new schedules came out, I lost her. She switched to a class in a different period, and without that constant contact, things slowly deteriorated. Nowadays there's no way in fuck that would happen....but I was younger....and stupid(er)...
Come to find out later on that Nina is a lesbian. Which hurt a little bit, knowing that I either never had a shot with her, or no longer had a shot with her. I lost Nina after that year. Contact dwindled, and before long, she wasn't in my life anymore. It saddens me a little to this day when I ponder it for too long. It's weird when she's in my dreams. She's always sporting the white tank top / grey sweats she did in HS, and she's always helping me. I often wonder what's going for her these days, but never try to look her up. *sigh*
Well, that's my melancholy for today my lovelies. I'm gonna go hit the hay and reminisce some more...
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