Well, this is one of those deep entries. I'm slowly but surely losing my sanity here at home, maybe I can make myself feel less overwhelmed by nothing if I put it here.
As I'm 90% certain you all know, we just passed Halloween. Normally this is a pretty happy time, and it was for the most part. Of course, not near as much for me. Bored to death all the time, hunting for a new job, in constant close contact with 3 screaming obnoxious children. Don't get me wrong, my brothers can all be pretty cool on their own or at certain points in time. But when they come in contact with each other, it's always the same. Screaming, yelling, obnoxiously loud noises, and my parents screaming at them to make them stop. Of course, it's completely unsuccessful, the screaming always starts up again within a few moments.
Lately I've been incredibly tired. You may remember a Facebook status I had talking about getting hit with a wave of exhaustion. You see, I go to bed around 11:30ish every night, save the weekends. I sleep until 7AM, then take my Mom to her carpool, take the kids to school, then come home to hang around and job hunt / baby sit until 6:00 PM. That's right, 6PM, when I finally come home with Mom.
We eat dinner, and around 8ish, I go to my grandma's salon and work there for an hour-ish, making some extra cash. Come home, shower. Then either jump on my computer or watch some Netflix before heading to bed.
Sounds good right? 7 hours of sleep is a dream for some people. Well, I don't actually get those 7+ hours of sleep. I'm afflicted with a condition called Sleep Apnea. Basically, I'm so fat that my body is literally unable to maintain my breathing at night; feasibly, I could die any night now. So my brain never actually rests, and I never go into a deep sleep. The only cure is to drop the weight. Simple, non? So my Mom asks me this morning why I seemed so uptight, and if I was in a bad mood or something. I told her No, that I was just really tired. She tells me to go to sleep earlier. Brilliant Mom, as if that hadn't entered my mind. The reason I even bother staying up that late is because Night is one of the few times my house is actually quiet. The kids are asleep, and there's no noise to be heard. Regardless, I doubt my fractured sleep would really handle another hour.
Anyways, going back to Halloween. I stopped dressing up once I hit 19. I figured I was too old for it now, and if I wanted candy I could go buy a sack or two at Target or whatever. Still though, I find myself aching to make a costume, and thinking of ideas for costumes I can use "next year". I ran out of time this time, but next year I will be dressing up again. I came to realize a few things on Halloween day though.
I realized that it's time to change. I made a promise: by Halloween next year, I want to be at 200 lbs, or close to it. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and feeling embarrassed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm trapped in my body, and like I'm not myself. I'm tired of the constant cycle of feeling confident, realizing I have nothing to be confident about, then feeling worthless. I'm tired of women judging me by my body and outward appearance. I'm tired of not being able to do things because of how fat I am. I'm tired of feeling eternally slow and tired, like I'm weighed down and weak. I'm tired of the phrase, "This shirt won't fit." I'm tired of feeling ashamed of how much I eat even if I'm genuinely hungry. I'm tired of my life.
I'm putting this here to remind myself of why. When the going gets rough, I want to give up, and I'm on the edge, I want to be able to read this and say, "No. Remember why you're doing this, and remember the big picture. Keep fighting."
Now now, before you go on thinking this is purely for a noble purpose, don't underestimate my desire for the darker side of things. And you, I know you're reading this, and you know who you are. This is my vengeance. This will be the concept that allows me to rub your stupid choices in your face. To all the people that talked shit about me, all the women that rejected me, and everyone who underestimated me, I will show you. I will prove you wrong, and show you that I am indeed a force to be reckoned with. The day will come when I will be looking down on you, I promise.
Here's the Plan:
1. Start slow.
Basically this boils down to portion control and light exercise. Probably just extended walking and beginner stretches / workout.
2. Research.
Kind of self explanatory. Basically, I need to lose fat in my stomach and my ass/thigh areas. Create a workout routine and pseudo-diet that will adhere to that.
3. Discipline.
This is something I believe I need to work on. I want to take up a Martial Art, anything but Shotokan really. I would like Muay Thai, but I'll see what's around. This will teach me the discipline I need, as well as give me a method of protecting myself (pffft, come on, I live in Camarillo.), and Joe needs a sparring buddy.
4. Power.
Power through it. Stick to my regimen no matter how much it hurts, no matter how insane I go, and no matter what it takes. This is me, and my fight. Either help me or get out of my way.
5. The Goal.
I need something physical to remind me. A tangible goal I can use to keep myself going. One day at DisneyLand I saw a girl wearing a Blue Power Ranger shirt. It had the design of the old costumes and I thought it was pretty cool. A wearable slice of nostalgia. I asked her where she got it, and she told me Hot Topic before giggling and running off. Maybe that's what it should be. Maybe I should buy the shirt in a Large or X-Large (I have really broad shoulders so I dunno), and pin it to my wall. Then one day I can take it down and wear it for real...
All in all, I need to change. My life is technically at stake here. Honestly, 90% of the problems I have are because I'm fat. Don't try to disagree, because trust me, I've thought about this long and hard. My sleep apnea drains me, which makes me tired and not want to work out. I've always been fat, so my self-image and confidence are in the shitter, which tends to drive women and people away from me. That in turn makes me feel lonely and worthless, only furthering my stoop into crippling depression.
This is simply....something I must do.
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