Well, with certain companies fucking around with the human genome like they are, I wouldn't doubt that a chemical outbreak will start the Zombie Apocalypse. Someday, you'll have to make that decision to run through a crowd of smelly marauders or off yourself. Should you decide to fight in a world where your neighbor is now trying to neatly peel your skin off and eat it, this will help you understand.
As myself and a few other discussed in Economy one day, there are 2 kinds of zombies. Unfortunately, they may or may not be distinguishable, and one is much more difficult to kill:
VooDoo Zombies.
These zombies are not the product of any virus or chemical imbalance, these are the product of dark magic. VooDoo Zombies close mindedly carry out the will of their summoners. They will not stop by any means. Despite decapitation or dismemberment, their pieces will still move, and still try to eat and kill you. The only known way to kill a VooDoo Zombie is to somehow disintegrate the body. Burn it, melt it, freeze it and blow it up, whatever, but NOTHING can remain.
Chemical Zombies, aka the Resident Evil Zombie.
These are the one that everyone knows and loves and the ones you probably have to worry about. Reanimated by a virus or chemical, these guys are variable as far as how dangerous they can be. If said walking corpse is fresh, odds are muscle memory and actually having some muscles left will allow them to literally run after you. Depending on the lapse of time between reanimation and your encounter with them, they might be able to run, or be reduced to a slow shamble. Pray that you can find out quickly.
9 / 10 times, the virus attacks the cells within the bite radius, eventually spreading to those within the brain, frying all higher brain function, erasing the person they used to be. The brain is left only with basic motor movement and the instinct to feed. Occasionally, if they're intact, sensory organs may have some slight function. All energy in the body goes to powering what's left of the brain, and because of this, the rest of the body cannot be maintained causing Zombies to rot. It's a vicious cycle, because in order for energy to be fed into the body, it must digest food, but how can it when the stomach is dead? Sucks, huh?
But don't feel bad for Zombies, they don't feel pain at all. This is their biggest asset when you're trying to stop one. You need to aim for the head. Destruction of the cortex is the ONLY way to ensure that this zombie you just fought off will not come back and try to take a bite out of you. Decapitation will disable the body, but the head will still try to move, unless the cortex is hurt.
You've seen it in every friggin' movie: the moment when a survivor has to kill an undead loved one. I myself question if I'd be able to off my Mom or Dad whilst they were shambling towards me with outstretched arms, wanting to give me the deadliest snuggle hug ever. The key to being able to do so, I would think at least, is to realize that it's not your loved one anymore. Just some rotting husk, holding your parents soul inside. Release them from their torment. Save them from the wretched fate of wandering the Earth for eternity, seeking meat until they literally fall apart and die again.
I hope this helps a little! If anything, just remember: AIM FOR THE GODDAMN HEAD! Death to the Undead!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hidden Missiles!
Well, I found this on a site, thought it might be fun to fill out for giggles. Enjoy?
1) Who was the last person you held hands with?
In a serious way? No one, I guess. It's been eons. Other than that, probably just my brother's hand while escorting them across parking lots or whatnot.
2) Are you loud, outgoing, or shy?
Depends on who I'm with. I'm usually pretty outgoing, but sometimes I stumble with words. I get shy around some people, don't really know why, haha.
3) Who are you looking forward to seeing?
Well, now that Joe's back for a time, him.
4) Are you easy to get along with?
Quite so.
5) Have you even given up on someone, but then gone back to them?
Back when I was younger, and stupid. That Matt is dead now.
6) If you were drunk, would the person you like take care of you?
Probably, though she's in West Covina now...
7) Do you think you'll be in a relationship two months from now?
Nope.
8) Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
A couple girls. One in the company of a friend and another that I'm worried about, a little. I know she can handle herself, and things are looking up, but even the strongest of us need some help.
9) Does talking about sex make you feel uncomfortable?
Not in the least. I'm pretty accepting as far as sex conversations go!
10) Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Joe, I would say.
11) What does your most recent text say?
"OK."
12) How do you feel about abortion?
Ladies, it's your body, so I think you should have a choice. However, I think that if you can't keep your vag closed for a while, you shouldn't be able to abuse the power to choose.
1) Who was the last person you held hands with?
In a serious way? No one, I guess. It's been eons. Other than that, probably just my brother's hand while escorting them across parking lots or whatnot.
2) Are you loud, outgoing, or shy?
Depends on who I'm with. I'm usually pretty outgoing, but sometimes I stumble with words. I get shy around some people, don't really know why, haha.
3) Who are you looking forward to seeing?
Well, now that Joe's back for a time, him.
4) Are you easy to get along with?
Quite so.
5) Have you even given up on someone, but then gone back to them?
Back when I was younger, and stupid. That Matt is dead now.
6) If you were drunk, would the person you like take care of you?
Probably, though she's in West Covina now...
7) Do you think you'll be in a relationship two months from now?
Nope.
8) Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
A couple girls. One in the company of a friend and another that I'm worried about, a little. I know she can handle herself, and things are looking up, but even the strongest of us need some help.
9) Does talking about sex make you feel uncomfortable?
Not in the least. I'm pretty accepting as far as sex conversations go!
10) Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Joe, I would say.
11) What does your most recent text say?
"OK."
12) How do you feel about abortion?
Ladies, it's your body, so I think you should have a choice. However, I think that if you can't keep your vag closed for a while, you shouldn't be able to abuse the power to choose.
13) Do you like big crowds of people?
I'm indifferent. Lol.
14) Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Yes indeed. I believe in luck, miracles, fate and all that assorted stuff.
15) What good thing happened this summer?
Joe came back! Heh.
16) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Sure!
17) Do you think there is life on other planets?
Yep!
I'm indifferent. Lol.
14) Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Yes indeed. I believe in luck, miracles, fate and all that assorted stuff.
15) What good thing happened this summer?
Joe came back! Heh.
16) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Sure!
17) Do you think there is life on other planets?
Yep!
18) Do you still talk to you first crush?
Rarely anymore, haha.
19) Do you like bubble baths?
A good soak is always fun, but I prefer the quickness of a shower.
20) Do you like your neighbors?
They're nice people, but we don't talk a lot.
21) What are your bad habits?
A lot. Not really feeling this question, haha.
22) Where would you like to travel?
Rome, Europe, Japan, lots of places really!
23) Do you have trust issues?
Yes and no.
24) Favorite part of your daily routine?
Sleepy time?
25) What body part are you most uncomfortable with?
All of it, to a certain degree. Dropping weight though!
26) What do you do when you wake up?
Turn off my alarm, stumble out of bed and go pee.
27) Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
Darker, I'm pale as fuck.
28) Who are you most comfortable around?
Friends and family! ^_^
29) Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up?
Ex's? Lawl.
30) Do you ever want to get married?
Someday.
31) Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?
Nope, hahaha.
32) Which celebrities would you like to have a threesome with?
Olivia Wilde and Elizabeth Hurley. >=]
33) Spell your name with your chin:
Matthew. Bam.
34) Do you play sports?
Once upon a time I did.
35) Would you rather live without TV or music?
TV, for sure. Music is too integral.
36) Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Yupz.
37) What do you say during awkward silences?
BAP!!
38) Do you think age matters in relationships?
A little, yes.
39) What are your favorite stores to shop in?
I don't really shop, I know what I'ma get when I go in.
40) What did you think you'd be doing after highschool?
Not failing at life. Wish I was right...
41) Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
The cynical side of me says "Hell no." So does my other side.
42) If you're being extremely quiet, what does that mean?
I'm either angry, miserable or simply zoned out.
43) Do you smile at strangers?
If we make eye contact, sure.
44) Trip to outer space? or bottom of the ocean
Both!
45) Do you want a roomate?
I have a weird stigma about living alone, no matter how much I'd want to live alone.
46) What are you paranoid about?
Not a lot. Not sucking at what I'm doing.
47) What was the meanest thing someone has ever said to you?
"I can't say I've ever hated you before, but this is the closest I've been."
48) The nicest thing?
I honestly don't remember...
49) Have you done something recently that you hope no one finds out?
Now why would I post that here??
50) What language do you want to learn?
Esperanto.
Rarely anymore, haha.
19) Do you like bubble baths?
A good soak is always fun, but I prefer the quickness of a shower.
20) Do you like your neighbors?
They're nice people, but we don't talk a lot.
21) What are your bad habits?
A lot. Not really feeling this question, haha.
22) Where would you like to travel?
Rome, Europe, Japan, lots of places really!
23) Do you have trust issues?
Yes and no.
24) Favorite part of your daily routine?
Sleepy time?
25) What body part are you most uncomfortable with?
All of it, to a certain degree. Dropping weight though!
26) What do you do when you wake up?
Turn off my alarm, stumble out of bed and go pee.
27) Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
Darker, I'm pale as fuck.
28) Who are you most comfortable around?
Friends and family! ^_^
29) Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up?
Ex's? Lawl.
30) Do you ever want to get married?
Someday.
31) Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?
Nope, hahaha.
32) Which celebrities would you like to have a threesome with?
Olivia Wilde and Elizabeth Hurley. >=]
33) Spell your name with your chin:
Matthew. Bam.
34) Do you play sports?
Once upon a time I did.
35) Would you rather live without TV or music?
TV, for sure. Music is too integral.
36) Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Yupz.
37) What do you say during awkward silences?
BAP!!
38) Do you think age matters in relationships?
A little, yes.
39) What are your favorite stores to shop in?
I don't really shop, I know what I'ma get when I go in.
40) What did you think you'd be doing after highschool?
Not failing at life. Wish I was right...
41) Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
The cynical side of me says "Hell no." So does my other side.
42) If you're being extremely quiet, what does that mean?
I'm either angry, miserable or simply zoned out.
43) Do you smile at strangers?
If we make eye contact, sure.
44) Trip to outer space? or bottom of the ocean
Both!
45) Do you want a roomate?
I have a weird stigma about living alone, no matter how much I'd want to live alone.
46) What are you paranoid about?
Not a lot. Not sucking at what I'm doing.
47) What was the meanest thing someone has ever said to you?
"I can't say I've ever hated you before, but this is the closest I've been."
48) The nicest thing?
I honestly don't remember...
49) Have you done something recently that you hope no one finds out?
Now why would I post that here??
50) What language do you want to learn?
Esperanto.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The One That Got Away.
I'm playing things ever so slightly closer to my chest on this one. I.E. I'm not emblazoning this one on everyone's Facebook page. This one is a bit more sentimental. This one's about a girl...
I was taking a random survey today for a psychology profile doohickey, and one of the final questions was: "What's the biggest regret you have?" Well, if you know me well enough, it revolves around a certain someone and wasting three years of my life. Of course, the one only inspires bitterness in me, so I don't usually consider than one anymore. I'm past it, essentially.
However, there is one girl that slipped away from me that sometimes I still dream about. It's odd, we really didn't have a relationship of any sort, we were very good friends during High School. But...she's the one who taught me to be myself. The girl who was so charmingly outlandish, she made me realize that taking others opinions so strongly was foolhardy, after all, what did they mean to me? And when she walked out of my life I felt truly sad for the first time in my High School career. You know that kind of sadness. Not the "Oh no, I dropped my cookie on the floor." kind of sad, where you can fix it by getting another cookie or just downing the milk. That kind of sad where you absolutely can NOT shake it. That kind where everything happy in your life suddenly doesn't matter anymore. It's all trivial, silly, childish. It's the kind where you pick up your favorite plushy and feel nothing.
Her name is Christina Schmeltz. Or Nina as she went by later. I know that some of you knew her, and probably still do, perhaps. I know that some people didn't like her, and are probably wondering why I felt the way I did. To them: fuck off, I don't need you harshing my dream-mallow. And yes, I know the deal with her now, alright? I met Nina back in sophomore year, in our English class. I ended up being seated pretty close to her, if memory serves I sat right behind her. For a little while things went as HS does. Acclimating to new surroundings, awkwardly trying to befriend the people around you, wondering how your real friends are doing, yadda yadda. And then there was Nina.
I already thought she was adorable, so when she abruptly turned around and asked me my name, I naturally derped when I should have hurped. When I finally managed to gurgle my name out whilst clearing my throat, she said " Ok Matt! You're my boyfriend now!" And turned back around. And bam, I was no longer single! Haha, kidding. I knew she was just being playful, but the word boyfriend had a wonderful ring to it coming from her. As time progressed, we became stalwart friends. I began to really admire her outlandish attitude, and how laid back she was. Not giving a single fuck what people thought of her, except me it seemed, and being herself.
As time progressed a little more, she started throwing PDA's my way, IE. surprise glomps, hugs in the hallways, that kind of thing. I don't know if she was joking or not, even to this day, but I was really enjoying my English class, tell ya that much. Eventually I got the balls to ask her out to do something. I don't remember much of it honestly, and try as I might, the only part I can remember is her. Smiling, giggling, and us just having fun. I was trying to move forward, you know? Try and make her see me as more than a friend. If I remember correctly though, when the new schedules came out, I lost her. She switched to a class in a different period, and without that constant contact, things slowly deteriorated. Nowadays there's no way in fuck that would happen....but I was younger....and stupid(er)...
Come to find out later on that Nina is a lesbian. Which hurt a little bit, knowing that I either never had a shot with her, or no longer had a shot with her. I lost Nina after that year. Contact dwindled, and before long, she wasn't in my life anymore. It saddens me a little to this day when I ponder it for too long. It's weird when she's in my dreams. She's always sporting the white tank top / grey sweats she did in HS, and she's always helping me. I often wonder what's going for her these days, but never try to look her up. *sigh*
Well, that's my melancholy for today my lovelies. I'm gonna go hit the hay and reminisce some more...
I was taking a random survey today for a psychology profile doohickey, and one of the final questions was: "What's the biggest regret you have?" Well, if you know me well enough, it revolves around a certain someone and wasting three years of my life. Of course, the one only inspires bitterness in me, so I don't usually consider than one anymore. I'm past it, essentially.
However, there is one girl that slipped away from me that sometimes I still dream about. It's odd, we really didn't have a relationship of any sort, we were very good friends during High School. But...she's the one who taught me to be myself. The girl who was so charmingly outlandish, she made me realize that taking others opinions so strongly was foolhardy, after all, what did they mean to me? And when she walked out of my life I felt truly sad for the first time in my High School career. You know that kind of sadness. Not the "Oh no, I dropped my cookie on the floor." kind of sad, where you can fix it by getting another cookie or just downing the milk. That kind of sad where you absolutely can NOT shake it. That kind where everything happy in your life suddenly doesn't matter anymore. It's all trivial, silly, childish. It's the kind where you pick up your favorite plushy and feel nothing.
Her name is Christina Schmeltz. Or Nina as she went by later. I know that some of you knew her, and probably still do, perhaps. I know that some people didn't like her, and are probably wondering why I felt the way I did. To them: fuck off, I don't need you harshing my dream-mallow. And yes, I know the deal with her now, alright? I met Nina back in sophomore year, in our English class. I ended up being seated pretty close to her, if memory serves I sat right behind her. For a little while things went as HS does. Acclimating to new surroundings, awkwardly trying to befriend the people around you, wondering how your real friends are doing, yadda yadda. And then there was Nina.
I already thought she was adorable, so when she abruptly turned around and asked me my name, I naturally derped when I should have hurped. When I finally managed to gurgle my name out whilst clearing my throat, she said " Ok Matt! You're my boyfriend now!" And turned back around. And bam, I was no longer single! Haha, kidding. I knew she was just being playful, but the word boyfriend had a wonderful ring to it coming from her. As time progressed, we became stalwart friends. I began to really admire her outlandish attitude, and how laid back she was. Not giving a single fuck what people thought of her, except me it seemed, and being herself.
As time progressed a little more, she started throwing PDA's my way, IE. surprise glomps, hugs in the hallways, that kind of thing. I don't know if she was joking or not, even to this day, but I was really enjoying my English class, tell ya that much. Eventually I got the balls to ask her out to do something. I don't remember much of it honestly, and try as I might, the only part I can remember is her. Smiling, giggling, and us just having fun. I was trying to move forward, you know? Try and make her see me as more than a friend. If I remember correctly though, when the new schedules came out, I lost her. She switched to a class in a different period, and without that constant contact, things slowly deteriorated. Nowadays there's no way in fuck that would happen....but I was younger....and stupid(er)...
Come to find out later on that Nina is a lesbian. Which hurt a little bit, knowing that I either never had a shot with her, or no longer had a shot with her. I lost Nina after that year. Contact dwindled, and before long, she wasn't in my life anymore. It saddens me a little to this day when I ponder it for too long. It's weird when she's in my dreams. She's always sporting the white tank top / grey sweats she did in HS, and she's always helping me. I often wonder what's going for her these days, but never try to look her up. *sigh*
Well, that's my melancholy for today my lovelies. I'm gonna go hit the hay and reminisce some more...
Friday, November 4, 2011
If Music is the food of love...play on.
I always tend to see these lists here and there. Music has a funny way of invoking emotions in people, be it via past experience with it or melodic tone. Growing up, I didn't listen to the radio a lot, due to the fact the radio in ye old Car didn't get anything besides AM. Fuck FM.
What I did listen to a lot was gaming music. Why? Well I played the living fuck out of our Super Nintendo. When I wasn't outside playing with my school chums, we were at someone's house on the Super. As such, gaming music is a majority of what I listen to even now. It's given me a greater appreciation of music as a whole, and has made me incredibly fond of instrumentals.
So, here's 5 tracks that evoke a deep rooted emotion in me today.
Gradius III Arcade: Fire Scramble
This song always makes me feel more energetic. In Gradius III, this stage is covered in flame, and constantly hurling flaming comets at you. You HAVE to keep moving, dodging rocks as well as shooting them down and not to mention the enemies flying about as well. It makes me think of speed, nimbleness, like flying and jumping. Makes me jittery sometimes, hahaha.
Resident Evil 4: Regenerator.
This piece always sends an icy chill up my spine. Regenerators are some of my most feared enemies in any game I've played. Subconsciously I'm always shuddering a little when I hear their ragged breath. Regenerators are tall, sexless beings incapable of being killed by conventional means. It takes heavy concussive fire or well placed shots via a thermal scope to kill them. Their limbs are able to stretch to ensnare prey, and with giant fangs, the tear into their food. Another version impales it's victims on numerous spines that eject from it's body. Like an Iron Maiden.
REmake: Safe Haven
Another track from Resident Evil, this time from the Gamecube remake. I played this game a LOT. This song is the safe room theme. Many times I've been critically injured and running from Crimson Heads, only to run into one of these rooms. Usually dimly lit with an Item Box and a Typewriter, nothing is able to enter this room, except for you. As such, this always makes me feel very serene and relaxed.
Trauma Center Second Opinion: Code Blue ~DS Ver.~
This song makes me ridiculously tense. Trauma Center is a surgery sim with a lot of over the top stuff after the halfway point. This version of "Code Blue" is only used when your patient is hanging by a thread right off the bat. I spent forever trying to beat a mission with this song: save someone who's been in a nasty car accident. Lacerations on the body, glass stuck in their heart, and dying...I kept screwing up and I'd get really tense trying to beat it. Funny, consider it's just a game. But fuck...I can't hear this without feeling tense anymore. I mean, this song could make scrambling some eggs and ordeal.
Persona 3: Burn My Dread ~Last Battle~
Determination. All I can say. This song basically says don't back down. If you've played Persona 3 you know exactly why too, hahaha. It's a fucking awesome song with a fucking awesome message, and probably the only rap I'll ever listen to. This takes place at the end of the game during a scripted fight with the final boss. I refuse to spoil the story to the game, suffice to say it's the best story I've ever played in a game, ever. If you have a PS2 and like "different" RPG's, grab Persona 3 FES.
And that's that! Hope you like the songs, haha, and let me know what y'all think!
What I did listen to a lot was gaming music. Why? Well I played the living fuck out of our Super Nintendo. When I wasn't outside playing with my school chums, we were at someone's house on the Super. As such, gaming music is a majority of what I listen to even now. It's given me a greater appreciation of music as a whole, and has made me incredibly fond of instrumentals.
So, here's 5 tracks that evoke a deep rooted emotion in me today.
Gradius III Arcade: Fire Scramble
This song always makes me feel more energetic. In Gradius III, this stage is covered in flame, and constantly hurling flaming comets at you. You HAVE to keep moving, dodging rocks as well as shooting them down and not to mention the enemies flying about as well. It makes me think of speed, nimbleness, like flying and jumping. Makes me jittery sometimes, hahaha.
Resident Evil 4: Regenerator.
This piece always sends an icy chill up my spine. Regenerators are some of my most feared enemies in any game I've played. Subconsciously I'm always shuddering a little when I hear their ragged breath. Regenerators are tall, sexless beings incapable of being killed by conventional means. It takes heavy concussive fire or well placed shots via a thermal scope to kill them. Their limbs are able to stretch to ensnare prey, and with giant fangs, the tear into their food. Another version impales it's victims on numerous spines that eject from it's body. Like an Iron Maiden.
REmake: Safe Haven
Another track from Resident Evil, this time from the Gamecube remake. I played this game a LOT. This song is the safe room theme. Many times I've been critically injured and running from Crimson Heads, only to run into one of these rooms. Usually dimly lit with an Item Box and a Typewriter, nothing is able to enter this room, except for you. As such, this always makes me feel very serene and relaxed.
Trauma Center Second Opinion: Code Blue ~DS Ver.~
This song makes me ridiculously tense. Trauma Center is a surgery sim with a lot of over the top stuff after the halfway point. This version of "Code Blue" is only used when your patient is hanging by a thread right off the bat. I spent forever trying to beat a mission with this song: save someone who's been in a nasty car accident. Lacerations on the body, glass stuck in their heart, and dying...I kept screwing up and I'd get really tense trying to beat it. Funny, consider it's just a game. But fuck...I can't hear this without feeling tense anymore. I mean, this song could make scrambling some eggs and ordeal.
Persona 3: Burn My Dread ~Last Battle~
Determination. All I can say. This song basically says don't back down. If you've played Persona 3 you know exactly why too, hahaha. It's a fucking awesome song with a fucking awesome message, and probably the only rap I'll ever listen to. This takes place at the end of the game during a scripted fight with the final boss. I refuse to spoil the story to the game, suffice to say it's the best story I've ever played in a game, ever. If you have a PS2 and like "different" RPG's, grab Persona 3 FES.
And that's that! Hope you like the songs, haha, and let me know what y'all think!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Dawn of the First Day.
Well, this is one of those deep entries. I'm slowly but surely losing my sanity here at home, maybe I can make myself feel less overwhelmed by nothing if I put it here.
As I'm 90% certain you all know, we just passed Halloween. Normally this is a pretty happy time, and it was for the most part. Of course, not near as much for me. Bored to death all the time, hunting for a new job, in constant close contact with 3 screaming obnoxious children. Don't get me wrong, my brothers can all be pretty cool on their own or at certain points in time. But when they come in contact with each other, it's always the same. Screaming, yelling, obnoxiously loud noises, and my parents screaming at them to make them stop. Of course, it's completely unsuccessful, the screaming always starts up again within a few moments.
Lately I've been incredibly tired. You may remember a Facebook status I had talking about getting hit with a wave of exhaustion. You see, I go to bed around 11:30ish every night, save the weekends. I sleep until 7AM, then take my Mom to her carpool, take the kids to school, then come home to hang around and job hunt / baby sit until 6:00 PM. That's right, 6PM, when I finally come home with Mom.
We eat dinner, and around 8ish, I go to my grandma's salon and work there for an hour-ish, making some extra cash. Come home, shower. Then either jump on my computer or watch some Netflix before heading to bed.
Sounds good right? 7 hours of sleep is a dream for some people. Well, I don't actually get those 7+ hours of sleep. I'm afflicted with a condition called Sleep Apnea. Basically, I'm so fat that my body is literally unable to maintain my breathing at night; feasibly, I could die any night now. So my brain never actually rests, and I never go into a deep sleep. The only cure is to drop the weight. Simple, non? So my Mom asks me this morning why I seemed so uptight, and if I was in a bad mood or something. I told her No, that I was just really tired. She tells me to go to sleep earlier. Brilliant Mom, as if that hadn't entered my mind. The reason I even bother staying up that late is because Night is one of the few times my house is actually quiet. The kids are asleep, and there's no noise to be heard. Regardless, I doubt my fractured sleep would really handle another hour.
Anyways, going back to Halloween. I stopped dressing up once I hit 19. I figured I was too old for it now, and if I wanted candy I could go buy a sack or two at Target or whatever. Still though, I find myself aching to make a costume, and thinking of ideas for costumes I can use "next year". I ran out of time this time, but next year I will be dressing up again. I came to realize a few things on Halloween day though.
I realized that it's time to change. I made a promise: by Halloween next year, I want to be at 200 lbs, or close to it. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and feeling embarrassed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm trapped in my body, and like I'm not myself. I'm tired of the constant cycle of feeling confident, realizing I have nothing to be confident about, then feeling worthless. I'm tired of women judging me by my body and outward appearance. I'm tired of not being able to do things because of how fat I am. I'm tired of feeling eternally slow and tired, like I'm weighed down and weak. I'm tired of the phrase, "This shirt won't fit." I'm tired of feeling ashamed of how much I eat even if I'm genuinely hungry. I'm tired of my life.
I'm putting this here to remind myself of why. When the going gets rough, I want to give up, and I'm on the edge, I want to be able to read this and say, "No. Remember why you're doing this, and remember the big picture. Keep fighting."
Now now, before you go on thinking this is purely for a noble purpose, don't underestimate my desire for the darker side of things. And you, I know you're reading this, and you know who you are. This is my vengeance. This will be the concept that allows me to rub your stupid choices in your face. To all the people that talked shit about me, all the women that rejected me, and everyone who underestimated me, I will show you. I will prove you wrong, and show you that I am indeed a force to be reckoned with. The day will come when I will be looking down on you, I promise.
Here's the Plan:
1. Start slow.
Basically this boils down to portion control and light exercise. Probably just extended walking and beginner stretches / workout.
2. Research.
Kind of self explanatory. Basically, I need to lose fat in my stomach and my ass/thigh areas. Create a workout routine and pseudo-diet that will adhere to that.
3. Discipline.
This is something I believe I need to work on. I want to take up a Martial Art, anything but Shotokan really. I would like Muay Thai, but I'll see what's around. This will teach me the discipline I need, as well as give me a method of protecting myself (pffft, come on, I live in Camarillo.), and Joe needs a sparring buddy.
4. Power.
Power through it. Stick to my regimen no matter how much it hurts, no matter how insane I go, and no matter what it takes. This is me, and my fight. Either help me or get out of my way.
5. The Goal.
I need something physical to remind me. A tangible goal I can use to keep myself going. One day at DisneyLand I saw a girl wearing a Blue Power Ranger shirt. It had the design of the old costumes and I thought it was pretty cool. A wearable slice of nostalgia. I asked her where she got it, and she told me Hot Topic before giggling and running off. Maybe that's what it should be. Maybe I should buy the shirt in a Large or X-Large (I have really broad shoulders so I dunno), and pin it to my wall. Then one day I can take it down and wear it for real...
All in all, I need to change. My life is technically at stake here. Honestly, 90% of the problems I have are because I'm fat. Don't try to disagree, because trust me, I've thought about this long and hard. My sleep apnea drains me, which makes me tired and not want to work out. I've always been fat, so my self-image and confidence are in the shitter, which tends to drive women and people away from me. That in turn makes me feel lonely and worthless, only furthering my stoop into crippling depression.
This is simply....something I must do.
As I'm 90% certain you all know, we just passed Halloween. Normally this is a pretty happy time, and it was for the most part. Of course, not near as much for me. Bored to death all the time, hunting for a new job, in constant close contact with 3 screaming obnoxious children. Don't get me wrong, my brothers can all be pretty cool on their own or at certain points in time. But when they come in contact with each other, it's always the same. Screaming, yelling, obnoxiously loud noises, and my parents screaming at them to make them stop. Of course, it's completely unsuccessful, the screaming always starts up again within a few moments.
Lately I've been incredibly tired. You may remember a Facebook status I had talking about getting hit with a wave of exhaustion. You see, I go to bed around 11:30ish every night, save the weekends. I sleep until 7AM, then take my Mom to her carpool, take the kids to school, then come home to hang around and job hunt / baby sit until 6:00 PM. That's right, 6PM, when I finally come home with Mom.
We eat dinner, and around 8ish, I go to my grandma's salon and work there for an hour-ish, making some extra cash. Come home, shower. Then either jump on my computer or watch some Netflix before heading to bed.
Sounds good right? 7 hours of sleep is a dream for some people. Well, I don't actually get those 7+ hours of sleep. I'm afflicted with a condition called Sleep Apnea. Basically, I'm so fat that my body is literally unable to maintain my breathing at night; feasibly, I could die any night now. So my brain never actually rests, and I never go into a deep sleep. The only cure is to drop the weight. Simple, non? So my Mom asks me this morning why I seemed so uptight, and if I was in a bad mood or something. I told her No, that I was just really tired. She tells me to go to sleep earlier. Brilliant Mom, as if that hadn't entered my mind. The reason I even bother staying up that late is because Night is one of the few times my house is actually quiet. The kids are asleep, and there's no noise to be heard. Regardless, I doubt my fractured sleep would really handle another hour.
Anyways, going back to Halloween. I stopped dressing up once I hit 19. I figured I was too old for it now, and if I wanted candy I could go buy a sack or two at Target or whatever. Still though, I find myself aching to make a costume, and thinking of ideas for costumes I can use "next year". I ran out of time this time, but next year I will be dressing up again. I came to realize a few things on Halloween day though.
I realized that it's time to change. I made a promise: by Halloween next year, I want to be at 200 lbs, or close to it. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and feeling embarrassed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm trapped in my body, and like I'm not myself. I'm tired of the constant cycle of feeling confident, realizing I have nothing to be confident about, then feeling worthless. I'm tired of women judging me by my body and outward appearance. I'm tired of not being able to do things because of how fat I am. I'm tired of feeling eternally slow and tired, like I'm weighed down and weak. I'm tired of the phrase, "This shirt won't fit." I'm tired of feeling ashamed of how much I eat even if I'm genuinely hungry. I'm tired of my life.
I'm putting this here to remind myself of why. When the going gets rough, I want to give up, and I'm on the edge, I want to be able to read this and say, "No. Remember why you're doing this, and remember the big picture. Keep fighting."
Now now, before you go on thinking this is purely for a noble purpose, don't underestimate my desire for the darker side of things. And you, I know you're reading this, and you know who you are. This is my vengeance. This will be the concept that allows me to rub your stupid choices in your face. To all the people that talked shit about me, all the women that rejected me, and everyone who underestimated me, I will show you. I will prove you wrong, and show you that I am indeed a force to be reckoned with. The day will come when I will be looking down on you, I promise.
Here's the Plan:
1. Start slow.
Basically this boils down to portion control and light exercise. Probably just extended walking and beginner stretches / workout.
2. Research.
Kind of self explanatory. Basically, I need to lose fat in my stomach and my ass/thigh areas. Create a workout routine and pseudo-diet that will adhere to that.
3. Discipline.
This is something I believe I need to work on. I want to take up a Martial Art, anything but Shotokan really. I would like Muay Thai, but I'll see what's around. This will teach me the discipline I need, as well as give me a method of protecting myself (pffft, come on, I live in Camarillo.), and Joe needs a sparring buddy.
4. Power.
Power through it. Stick to my regimen no matter how much it hurts, no matter how insane I go, and no matter what it takes. This is me, and my fight. Either help me or get out of my way.
5. The Goal.
I need something physical to remind me. A tangible goal I can use to keep myself going. One day at DisneyLand I saw a girl wearing a Blue Power Ranger shirt. It had the design of the old costumes and I thought it was pretty cool. A wearable slice of nostalgia. I asked her where she got it, and she told me Hot Topic before giggling and running off. Maybe that's what it should be. Maybe I should buy the shirt in a Large or X-Large (I have really broad shoulders so I dunno), and pin it to my wall. Then one day I can take it down and wear it for real...
All in all, I need to change. My life is technically at stake here. Honestly, 90% of the problems I have are because I'm fat. Don't try to disagree, because trust me, I've thought about this long and hard. My sleep apnea drains me, which makes me tired and not want to work out. I've always been fat, so my self-image and confidence are in the shitter, which tends to drive women and people away from me. That in turn makes me feel lonely and worthless, only furthering my stoop into crippling depression.
This is simply....something I must do.
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