These days I'm not one to think much about the past. I like to think I'm "too busy", but I'm not. Sure, I have my job, but that's only 1/3 of the day, there's still hours in the day for me to relax and simply....think. For the past while I've been doing a lot of introspection, meditating, and internal re-wiring. I catch myself slipping into old habits and doing stupid shit older versions of myself were prone to. More about that later though, first let's tackle the update.
If you were part of the little pow-wow at Presto Pasta on Sunday, you already know the finer points of my life. I'm still at Harbor Freight Tools, working in IT. It's a pleasant enough job. Relatively simple, great pay, good co-workers. Everyone else in the department seems to have their gripes with one another, and I can agree with some of their points, but I think I'm too easy-going to hold a true grudge. Filed my taxes today, so, that return should be quite lovely once it comes in.
For some months now, I've wanted to get myself a gift. I was thinking about buying a new Xbox, perhaps the Star Wars edition one. Matter of fact, until recently, that was actually going to be it. Don't care about the Kinect or the Game, just really wanted the console, hard drive and controller. Now though, I'm not so sure. There's a White, 500 GB PS3 out there for $300. I've been itching to play some exclusives: God of War series, 3D Dot Game Heroes, Heavy Rain, Ni No Kuni, etc. So, that may be my next course of action. After all, nothing says I can't slowly save for a new Xbox and get some other Special edition one later on, right?
Consumer Whore problems aside, life is bittersweet. Some cats are out of the bag now, so, while I have some doubts about the future in some aspects, it's nice to not feel like I'm constantly being assaulted. Kids are being kids, parents are being parents, but with me having a big boy job, it seems like everyone's finally getting off my back. I never had that much of a problem before, but, sometimes I just want to be left alone to my own devices. For once, I feel like I'm 23 and not 15.
I suppose you'd like me to elaborate on earlier statements, hmm? I've done some analysis, and I understand some things now. Growing up, I've always had confidence issues. I was never worthy of anyone's favor, I never felt like bothering anyone with my problems because I was worth the time or the effort. I've always been a solitary healer, my own rock and the shoulder for others. Never really turning to others unless I truly trusted them, and they made me feel like I was....well, worth it. When I was growing up, my parents always made me doubt myself. My solution was never the best one, this one was. My drawing was good, but this one is better. What I did wasn't as good as this over here. I understand they were simply trying to make me strive for the best, and to my best work, but that's not how my younger self interpreted it. Over the years, I've had to tell myself that I wasn't insignificant. That I was someone that was worth fighting for, someone that could eventually be liked or loved by another person, and little-by-little I'm starting to find out who Matt Smith is. I've gained some semblance of confidence, and am becoming comfortable with what I'm finding.
That said, I felt I was sturdy enough to take a look back into some parts of my life. There's one section that's simultaneously my biggest blessing and most debilitating curse. Any of you who know me well enough most likely already know of that which I speak. If not, read on.
Once upon a time (in High School), I met a girl. I fell in love with this girl, not for realsies, but puppy love I guess. I made a promise that I would make her mine, but of course, we had made the mistake of being best friends at the time. We were quite inseparable, affectionately dubbing ourselves "clones" because we seemed to be able to sense each others emotions pretty easily. It was all very adorable, and kind of a sweet setup. I sensed that maybe she reciprocated my feelings at one point, which only drove my emotions into more of a frenzy. "Finally!", I would think, "A girl I have a chance with! She's beautiful, she's smart, she's a nerd, I find her attractive in every way, and she's my best friend. This has to work out!"
My family was no help. My mom, my Dad, hell, my Grandparents thought we were a cute couple. She used to come over a lot, and my house was her safe haven if she ever needed it. After some time, we ended up going to the Winter Formal together. Not gonna lie, pretty awesome night in the cheesiest of ways. After that night, I decided to make my move. To make a long story short, I was far too overzealous. Borderline psychotic even. She rejected my advances, as any sane girl would, but she too was a bit too forceful in her rejection. She moved on, I didn't. I was met with crippling depression, that my hormone infused mind only made worse as time went on. As she dated other guys, I slowly drove myself insane. I was hellbent on being with her, despite rejection and even other boyfriends.
She met an older guy. I still don't like him today, his personality is absolutely loathsome, and I feel he destroyed the girl I fell in love with. I didn't like him off the bat, and I did try to convey that I felt like something about this guy was "off". She politely dismissed my notions. I tried to portray a calm acceptance, but inside I was raging my ass off. Over time I got over her, turning my pain into hatred. We barely spoke for quite some time. I was happy to be free of what I considered to be a toxin to my sanity, and I'm sure she felt the same way about being away from some idiot boy.
"Meh Ending" warning. Eventually we made up. I don't recall if we ever brought closure our past or not. We're still friends, though not as strong as in our heyday. She's got other people for moral support now, so my role isn't as intensive as it used to be. She's definitely in the inner circle though, heh.
Well, now that you know my sordid past, now we can come to the core of this little tirade. There are days I wish that whole thing didn't happen. Granted, it helped make me the person I am now, but...there's so many missed opportunities. There's plenty of girls I would have loved to have gone out with back then. Hell, maybe I'd even have a steady girlfriend at this point. I can think of three, but I won't mention names. If I could do it all again I'd focus more on school, date a certain someone, and focus on trying to better my life. The philosopher in me has to wonder what the outcome would be if I could do it all again. I don't dwell on such thoughts, but it can be fun to think about sometimes, heh.
Nowadays, the three girls I talk about are a bit beyond my reach. I'm pretty sure one of them is taken, lives outta town. Another might be taken, also lives outta town. The last one isn't interested. I don't really bother asking, although I definitely got some hints of interest back then, I was simply too blinded to see them.
Oh well, life is life. One must play the cards dealt to him and hope for that Royal Flush. I bid you adieu my fellows. Til next time.
