Yesterday was a very interesting day. I feel/felt kind of like when you've dumped water on and pissed off a bird. They're agitated, their feathers are ruffled and then peck at whatever tried to mess with them at the moment. My feathers are indeed very ruffled. There's a lot bouncing around my head right now, and though I had soft plans to hang with a certain someone yesterday, I ended up leaving her to her own devices. I was lucid enough to let her know what's going on, but that's about it. Let's sort this thing out, shall we?
1. Work.
I'm super stressed about work right now. I probably shouldn't be, but I am. I feel like I should be getting a hold of this by now, and I don't feel like I am. I still ask a lot of questions. Again, I get it, I'm new and I should be asking questions. I just feel like I'm bothering people because they have their own calls to handle, and their own issues to fix, and here I am butting in asking about where the reset function is. It's a rookie thing I guess. Granted, there's little to no literature or training I can
really look at, only what I can observe / retain in real-time.
The sleep schedule is wacko as well. I'm usually in at 2 AM, there's little going on at that point, so it's optimal for someone new. Thing is, I'm going to bed around 6 PM, and getting home from work around 10:30. While I'm doing fine in the not-falling-asleep-at-work department, it's doing weird things to my body. I've been feeling a little sick, but nothing crippling or undoing. I've also been hinted at that this might be a more permanent option once my training is over. Seriously? I'll take that shift sometimes, but we have to have a rotation. I don't know how long I can handle this before it starts getting bad.
My secondary-ish job is also getting in the way. It's late hour and tends to be pretty short, but still eats away at my sleeping time, and my devastated social life. I personally don't wish to continue it, but my Dad said I should wait until my provisional period is over at HFT. I agree, it's a wise move, but that's 90 days. 3 friggin' months of working an unnecessary job... Doesn't sound like a good idea for me, but I guess that is somehow not about me. I don't know, it's just pisses me off.
2. Housing.
Let me keep this short and simple by saying that I may or may not have to move, again. We're still up in the air about what the fate of my current residence will be, more on it soon I hope. All this talk of moving, money and fiscal responsibility are wearing on my nerves. I understand the ramifications of what's going on, I don't need to be told again and again.
3. My Friends.
Well, with this new job my social life took a near-death beating. So, naturally, I'm incredibly irritated that now I have next to no time for them. I feel it's a little unfair to us all, but of course, I'm making money and saving up. It's worth it in a sense, but not a very good one. Once I start getting two days off instead of just one, I think it'll improve some. I guess time will tell. Luckily my friends are supportive of my career change; no one has ditched me thus far.
4. My Family.
With the whole house thing going on, Mom is kind of high strung. Coupled with the fact that's she's now having some hefty heart problems, she's not in the best of moods, or one to be trifled with at the moment. My Dad is already crabby enough from work, so trying to talk to either of them is like asking to pet a feral jaguar. I can't really talk to them about anything, even if I wanted to. I mean....I want to, to a degree, maybe advanced adults like them can offer me some advice so I don't lose my goddamn mind, but I simply don't want to put up with their attitude right now.
My brothers are still the same. Whiny, screamy, annoying, and completely self absorbed. That's not a fun combo for me or anyone in the house. I often wonder why Mom or Dad hasn't blown up on them lately. I guess it won't be long now, I'm sure it's like a powder keg. I have a feeling once this whole house thing is over, it'll all be fine for a while longer. Mom is getting help with her heart, Dad'll settle down and hopefully one of them will smack some sense into these boys.
5. <X3
Rather recently, Monday morning in fact, I had a surprisingly jarring revelation. I am ludicrously lonely. Now, I know this comes up a lot, and trust me, I know everything that's wrong with me, so I know why I'm alone. One of my final strongholds barring my resolve to be single had been broken. So, as I was sitting at my desk mulling things over, I felt a familiar shuffle in my chest. My heart sank for the first time in a while and I actually felt pretty defeated for a while. I shook it off eventually, after all, I was at work and I needed to focus. I thought about it after I got home, all through the day until that night when I fell asleep.
Make no mistake, I'm not desperate. Matt Smith has standards, and he'll never lose them for any reason. But, I think it would be really nice to have a close companion like that. It seems to work out for most everyone else I know, so I figure my success can't be too far away now. I've dated a few women, tried to make them my girlfriend, but something was wrong with every situation. Some had lingering feelings for exes, some simply backed out right then and there, some suddenly decided they never liked me, the rest was my fault for being fucking stupid. I know a lost a few good women in my life to a lack of control. Back in the day, most of my affections ran unchecked, I was young after all. So, it would all be too much too fast and women never like that. I think if I could go back and slap my younger self in the face, I easily would. I used to fantasize that somehow I'd get another shot, now that I was older and wiser, hehe. Kind of adorable in a sense.
Nowadays I'm a bit cynical so I don't really try anymore. I tried half-heartedly clinging to bachelor notions about how women are sneaky tricks and are not to be trusted. I know it's not true, I knew it's not true. I can't really deny my nature now, I think it's too late and too hypocritical for that. I'll get over it eventually, who knows, maybe in a week or two you'll see me posting really sexist shit on Facebook. You guys will know the truth though.
There is one other thing that's taking a battering to my resolve and my psyche, I don't want to talk about it, not here at least. I'm usually quite an open book to my viewing public, but this must stay private for now. If it really annoys you, message me and we'll chat about it, hurr hurr. I spent the last few days figuring out why it bothers me so much. I know why. It's almost reassuring to know why I feel the way I do, heh. Only thing I can do now is hope that Worst Case Scenario doesn't happen. I wish that situation the very best of luck.
*huff* Well, not bad. I should really maintain this better. Oh well.
